Article not written by me, but it's quite accurate...
Sometimes the way it happened even becomes the biggest part of the story: She sent me an email — to my work address! He changed his Facebook status and half my friends knew before I did! He told me in a cafe, so when I started to cry, I felt so self conscious. She wrote me a note and then never replied to any of my messages. If you give someone a heartbreaking ‘how’ story, you can make their moving on much slower and your letting go much harder.
If you want to do a good job of breaking up, first you need to start with some kind of vision of how you’d like things to be in the future with your soon-to-be former love. You probably have an idea about what this looks like for you. For me, it looks something like this:
A few years ago I was sitting on the couch at my ex-girlfriend Nina’s house on New Year’s Eve. There we were, with her partner and my teenage daughter, watching the countdown. We were all eating some truly dreadful experimental blue cheese ice cream. I still think my ex is one of the warmest and most unbelievably funny people I know, and I could see my daughter thought she was pretty fabulous too. It was a great way to ring in the New Year.
That small party was possible because although my long ago break up with Nina was a sad one, it wasn’t horrible. Despite the fact that at the time she’d been eyeing off someone much cooler than me, and I’d begun to fall in love with my daughter’s future father, we’d treated each other pretty well. We were thoughtful, we were kind and just a little bit brave too.
It’s never too late to end a relationship. Even after proposing, if the Bachelor is anything to go by.
How you break up with someone can be a loving act. It really can. You can give the one you loved the parting gift of letting them go in a way that both of you can be proud of, and pave the way for as much peace between you as humanly possible. So be courageous.
If I can give you one piece of direct advice, then here it is: if you’re doing the ending, this is the time to do it their way.
One of the distinctive qualities of good communicators is their ability to think about and respond to the needs of other people. In other words, if you want to communicate better, especially about the hard stuff, you need to walk in the shoes of the person you’re talking, writing, texting or live chatting to.
So see if you can give it a try. Think about your soon-to-be-ex. What do you know about how they see the world? What do they find comforting when they’re hurting? Are they a pull the bandaid off as quick as possible person, or do they want to agonise over the whole process? Do they like to cry alone or with you? What are some of their safe places? Try to read things from their point of view rather than interpreting them from yours. Plan your ending-the-relationship-conversation like you would breaking bad news to anyone you’ve loved; make it as clear, safe and comfortable as you can.
It’s over; I don’t want to be here anymore. This is what I’m truly sorry for. This is what I plan to do over the next little while to finalise things between us, and this is the contact I’d like to have with you in the future. Thank you for everything you’ve given me and everything you’ve taught me.
Once you’ve had that conversation in whatever way you think your ex-to-be would like best, by email, text, in person, at home, in the park, by carrier pigeon, for 15 minutes or two hours, then whatever happens next is well and truly out of your hands.
They may move on in time, but they may also choose to stay sad, hurt, angry or bitter. And if they do, it’s your job to leave them there compassionately and to move on to wherever you’re going on your own. Some people are up to the challenge of letting go and some are not.
Breaking up with someone, however much it hurts, is not a crime. There is no appropriate punishment, compensation or retribution for it. You don’t owe your ex anything but respect. And while you do need to bear hearing their feelings, you don’t have to put up with unacceptable behaviour. Don’t make your peace and future happiness dependent on what your ex does or doesn’t do with your decision. For some people, that’s just too tempting an opportunity for never ending punishment.
I know it sounds incredibly dated, but breaking up well is really just about good manners. And good manners are about not shirking the chores that are yours to do, separating what’s painful and awkward from behaving in painful and awkward ways and accepting life on life’s terms. So no shirking! Don’t hide from the hard conversations; it only drags out the suffering. And good luck with your break up. I wish you every happiness.
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